A Beast Of A Week. Friday Night And Still Sober.
I’m not complaining. It seems self-indulgent to do so at any time, given the kind of shit people all across the globe have to deal with. But this isn’t to simply write off my own problems, and brush them off. I’m learning to keep any problems I have in perspective.
I am however frazzled by a week that was non-stop. I’m a trade unionist, and this has it’s rewards, but also has it’s pitfalls. People don’t come to their union reps when things are going smoothly. And we have to be sane, respect confidentiality, and remember to operate within the rules of the company so we don’t get ourselves fired.
Where I work I’m allowed to spend 50% of my time on this work. But this doesn’t take into account the adjustment needed from sometimes adjusting from what might be an emotionally, and mentally draining situation, before going straight back to the day job. And it doesn’t take into account the fact that you have to have a head full of knowledge for both sides of the job.
So, this week has been full-on. My default has always been to get home and decompress with alcohol. I think the old me would have found a reason to drink almost every day this week. I don’t necessarily think about stress any more. I have tried to reframe it more as a sensory overload. And sensory overload is certainly not helped by fury depleting the system by adding alcohol.
So, where am I in this year I’ve dedicated to being healthy? I’m still sober. This last week I’ve been smoking though. Epic fail. So, back on the nicotine lozenges tomorrow, to get it out of my system over the weekend.
I know my addict brain has contradicted itself by adding to the sensory overload by inputting harmful toxins through smoking. I guess it’s part of the whack-a-mole thing with addiction. You get one controlled and it exhibits somewhere else.
Next week is going to be heavy duty again. But my head is clear. I know I have to believe in my own self-efficacy. The ability to handle as much as life wants to throw at me. Otherwise, what do you do? Roll on your back, show your belly, and cry, ‘LIFE BE KINDER?’
I think the last time I wrote, I’d relapsed once with drinking. I didn’t go down a rabbit-hole, but got straight back on the wagon. And this weekend I’ll be quitting the cigarettes again. It has been a week. And I don’t want to backslide any further. No stress smoking, or social smoking, or celebratory smoking, or sad smoking, or excited smoking, or relaxation smoking, or whatever excuse I want to give myself.
I’ve missed my healthier habits. Meditation. Writing. Exercise. These last weeks I’ve struggled to get out of bed early enough. But I’m determined to get back in the zone to get me to the end of this month and beyond. I know how good it felt. There’s still a lot of the year left to get through, and it’s not the time to slip back into the old bad patterns and habits.